Death only ends the suffering of the dying!

My Husband made me promise, several weeks ago, that when he passed away I would not cry for him. I made that promise, because I knew that his death would also free him from all the suffering, but I also told him that even though I would not cry for HIM, I would still be crying for me! And, Yes, that is what is happening.

My beautiful and much loved Husband DIED on 10th Feb 2010, at 2.25pm. His last words were to me - he looked at me, said "I love you", closed his eyes, drew a couple of deep shuddering breaths, and gently slipped away. I was crying so hard I could barely talk. I asked the hospice nurses, who had been with us since 1pm, to use their stethoscopes and check for a heart beat, and once they confirmed he was gone, I called my Dad, and I was still crying so hard that I could barely talk to him and had to pass my phone to one of the nurses (Jan, from Australia) to talk to my Dad.

He is gone, he is buried, and we said our final goodbyes to him on Thursday, 11th Feb, 2pm, at the crematorium. My sister and I just held each other and cried our eyes out. It was so HARD to say goodbye. It is STILL so hard to know that he is gone and I do not have him in my life any more. We only had just over 12 years together, and it was (and is) NOT ENOUGH TIME!

Yes, death ended his suffering, and I am so relieved that he is no longer in pain any more. He had been suffering since Feb 2009, and the pain had been building and building and building, and his pain med doses were going higher and higher and higher. Now, at least, he is not in pain, he is not suffering, he is at peace.

But what about me? What about those of us who get left behind? It is so painful to know that I will never see him again. Now, when I go out and do something, or I see something, or something happens, I have nobody to come and share it with. There was nothing in our days that we did not share. So much we always found to laugh about and talk about... and now my house is silent. My husband is no longer suffering, that is true... but I am. My heart aches so much that I can't hold back the tears at times, however hard I try. I try and keep myself occupied during the day, but the minute I lie down to sleep at night, the pain comes back and the tears start again. I am even crying as I type this posting.

So what do I do? I know time will heal all wounds - so I guess all I can do is wait for the wound in my heart to scab over, and then try not to pick at the scab and cause it to bleed again.

I miss you Ken. I love you.