It's still difficult...

It is not possible to keep myself busy all the time.

And when my mind falls into quietness I miss Ken so much it physically hurts. It is hard to realise that there is nobody I can discuss the days activities with - the little and the big things, the funny and sad things, the meaningful and meaningless bits and pieces that make up daily life - I have nobody to share these with. I do not have anyone any more to share even a comfortable and happy silence with. It hurts. A lot. And I don't know what to do.

I go through daily life looking totally calm and collected. I smile and laugh at all the right things. I talk and joke as per normal. I meet my friends, I go shopping with my sister, I take my 2 little nephews for movies, and then I come home, retreat to my room, and find myself totally lost and empty.

Sleep is still hard to come by. If I go to sleep too early, I wake up too early, and lie for hours waiting for it to get light. So when it is time to sleep, I get into bed and then I read, or do Sudoku, until I can't keep my eyes open any longer, in the hope that I can sleep for longer - but long before it gets light, I am awake again, waiting till it is time to get up. I think my parents still can't believe how early I am up and about, compared to those days when I would not get out of bed before 10am if I did not have to!

I moved back to my PJ house on the 22nd Oct, which makes it 2 weeks as of tomorrow that I have moved back with my parents, and I must admit that, so far, it has turned out better than I expected... but maybe it is early days yet. Well, it is kinda nice to know that I am not alone at home (at least in the physical sense), though that does not alleviate the emptiness in my heart. I think my parents are happy to have me here :-p and I know we are all open to giving each other a solid chance for this to work. So, fingers crossed folks!!

This is a long holiday weekend coming up as tomorrow (Friday 5th Nov) is the Deepavali weekend. TonyO and Peng will be driving up from Singapore tomorrow - their last trip to KL before their wedding next weekend! I am looking forward to having them here, as it has been a long time since last we met, especially Peng as she has been in China the last couple of trips I made to SG. They can only stay for one night, but I truly appreciate them taking the time to come visit me, especially when there is so much for them to do in SG before their wedding day!! I already have breakfast planned for tomorrow and Saturday :-), and shopping tomorrow as well! And, as always, having them here does cheer me up a lot.

That's all for now folks, so, till next time, have a great day, every day!