Grief does not go away, it just fades a little over the years

Many, many well meaning friends have called me over the last few weeks - exactly 4 weeks yesterday, that Ken died :'( - to express their condolences. Some of them have only been able to say that they are so sorry for me. Some of them have tried to tell me (advise me) with all the usual cliches... you know the ones I mean:

- time will heal the pain
- hold on to the good memories
- he is no longer suffering be glad for him
- etc, etc, etc.

And, Yes, they may all be true, but THEY DO NOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW!! OK???

I have realised that in the past, when friends passed away, I had no cliches or trite things to say to those left behind. All I could say was that I was sorry for their loss - and now that I am in that position of having lost someone, and now being the one who is "left behind", I find that I appreciate those who do not try to pretend to know what I feel. I appreciate it when they simply say they are sorry for my loss. They cry with me, but they do not claim to know what I feel. They are there to lend me their shoulder to cry on, but have no words of wisdom to pass on to me other than to let me know that they are there for me and, you know what? THAT means the world to me!

I mean, the fact is that nobody else knows what I am going through, unless they have gone through it themselves. Unless they have lost a child, or a spouse, it is not possible to really understand. And, No, losing a parent is not the same - you EXPECT that your parents will go before you - that is the natural order of things, and you accept it, and you are glad they had a good life, and that they are now moving on to the next stage of life.

But a child or a spouse? NO, that is harder to accept. And it does not make a difference how long you have "had" that child, or that spouse. It is NEVER enough.

So, thank you for your kind words to me, thank you for thinking of me, thank you for trying to make life easier for me,... but all I need is time, space, your shoulder once in a while, a listening ear once in a while. Let's forget the cliched bits of wisdom which, however true, are NOT what I need to hear.

Of course, that is just my point of view. You are welcome to yours.