I have been fortunate

At some point, after being hit with a major happening, one has to make a decision to move on with life. In my case, the 'major happening' was the death of my beloved Ken. I guess we both always knew that he would go before me - given our age difference, and given that women generally outlive men, it was to be expected. But what was difficult to accept was the pain and suffering Ken went through in the months leading to his death. This is not what anyone wants. This is not what anyone expects. But this is what was thrown at Ken and we both had to live with what was given to us. He lived with the pain and suffering for a year, and then made the conscious decision to exit this life when he realised that even one more day of life would lead to being bed-ridden - a situation that he would have found impossible to accept, considering what an incredibly active person he was all his life! And now I live with the fact that I no longer have him in my life, but that I have been hugely blessed because I DID have him in my life!

I am fortunate on many counts - not least of which was that we DID meet, and that we DID have a most amazing 12 years together, and he was as much the love of my life the day he died, as the day we met, and every day in between. Even before Ken got sick, we spent a LOT of time together because we actually enjoyed spending time in each others company. We talked and laughed a lot together. We loved going on walkabouts together. He even took me to join his 'boys night out' sessions, where I got to know his friends and colleagues and, through those sessions, learnt to talk intelligently about FPSO's! With Ken it was Valentine's Day every day - not in the sense of gift giving (how pointless is that!), but in terms of the giving and receiving of LOVE for each other - every day, in every thought, gesture, action.

In the end, I was fortunate also that I was able to quit work to focus on looking after Ken full time till he died - and apart from a few days when I had to go to Singapore and pack up our stuff there to bring everything back to KL - we were together almost every single minute of every day till the very end. In and out of hospital, in and out of ICU, in and out of doctors visits... every day. I was fortunate that I was able to spend that time with him, and that we had the chance to say our goodbyes. I guess, being able to say goodbye, hearing him say that last "I love you" to me... there is closure. So, Yes, I am fortunate.

Now what? I have to move slowly out of my mode of suspended animation. I have to get on with life. I have to make decisions about what I want to do now. Do I want to go back into my normal stress-filled line of work? Do I want to take up something new? Do I want to make use of my newly learned baking skills? No, I don't intend to start up my own bakery, but I am sure there is something I can do in this new line! It may take me some time to make this decision, but, as my dear cousin (L) points out - God has a plan for me, and, one way or the other, I will find out what it is.

So, now, I will have to find my way out of limbo, and I will have to decide what I want to do. No decisions yet. No timeline to this. I just know, it will happen.

Till next time, have a good day, every day!