Still in suspended animation....

Tomorrow will be 2 years since Ken said his last words to me and peacefully slipped out of this world into the next. And in that 2 years I have gotten better at hiding my pain, hiding the hole in my heart, hiding the depression, hiding the hurt. But all the pain, the depression, the hurt, they are all still with me, sitting inside that huge hole in my heart and making the hole deeper and wider.

One of my friends on Facebook said it well - it is like being in suspended animation. Yes, suspended animation just about covers it - kinda like an emotional zombie... going through the motions of life, but not really feeling anything. I get up early in the morning most week days and go to the gym. I go out with friends and family, I laugh, smile, talk, banter. Then, at night, I retreat into my room, into myself. I try to accept the pain, and I try not to cry myself to sleep, and nowadays, most days, I do manage. I still do not sleep through the night, but I've found out that as long as I am tucked up in bed, with the lights switched off, even if I am not sleeping my body seems to get enough rest... so that sorta works out OK.

Most days I prefer spending quietly, by myself - mostly reading, sometimes surfing, sometimes watching movies. I like spending time with my sister and her family, with my cousins from the US, with my brother and his family, with friends and family. I bake, I shop, I go through the normal motions of every day life. I am looking for a job (don't really know if I will get one, given that the older one gets the harder it is to get a decent job!!), though if I don't get a job that is OK too, as I know I can keep myself busy with my baking!

Tomorrow also happens to be my Mum's birthday - and she will be 75. I will try my best to not let the sadness I feel, in not having Ken with me, overshadow the celebration of Mum's birthday. My youngest nephew has already selected the cake I am going to make for the birthday - a Lemon Mirroire - so that will help to keep me occupied once I get back from the gym.

And, I know, one day, I will come out of suspended animation, and I will look around me, and, Yes, I WILL be OK. And, I do know, in my head and in my heart, that my much loved husband would not want me to just continue in limbo. He would want me to live LIFE, as it is meant to be lived. So, to honour him, his love for me, I WILL be fine. It just takes time, and, though his absence in my life will always be there, it will not be what defines me, though obviously it has influence on me. So, I'm hanging in here, and I will be OK.

Enough said for today. Till next time, have a good day, every day.